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How wonderful it is [to know that] you would never, ever leave me.
Excerpt - Part I
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it came from, from winter or a river.
I don't know how or when,
no they were not voices, they were not
words, nor silence...
..there I was without a face
and it touched me.
I did not know what to say, my mouth
had no way
my eyes were blind,
and something started in my soul,
fever or forgotten wings,
and I made my own way,
and I wrote the first faint line,
faint, without substance, pure
of someone who knows nothing,
and suddenly I saw
with arrows, fire and flowers,
the winding night, the universe.
- Pablo Neruda
1:47 PM Michael Etienne Edwards 0 Comments
In this moment
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11:38 AM Michael Etienne Edwards 0 Comments
Listen to myself.
Mindgame. no..yes? Easy dress to slip into - laced in pride, adorned by ego.
My mind, my heart goes, 'What do they need from me', 'what would I want them to say to me in this situation' furnishing me with words.
My intention? Mask on, mask off.
The hanger softly screeches as I advance it back and leave it there. Further back but still there. Is this good? I don't think so.
In the mood for another outfit.
8:55 PM Michael Etienne Edwards 0 Comments
Most of the time I'm spending it wishing time would slow down.
I get home - fall onto the bed and glare down at the clock at the margin of the navigation bar. Then fingers/eyes proceed going through Ebay's deals of the day.
Glance again - 10:10 - dread creeps in - another evening at home, the evening I lusted over all day at work is disappearing again without any reason to remember it.
Longings whirlpool down the drain - grainy sediment settles around the tub edges - skin cells - dreaming/wishing they could go down too - avoiding work the next day
12:06 AM Michael Etienne Edwards 0 Comments
"Instead of to-do lists we need to-be lists. Instead of thinking about what you want to do, think about who you want to be. Do you want to be more self-aware? Do you want to be more conscious? Do you want to be a better person? Do you want to make a difference in the world? We need to move away from what we want to do in situations to who we want to be in situations."
July is my favorite kind of month
11:46 PM Michael Etienne Edwards 0 Comments
One week in
8:54 PM Michael Etienne Edwards 0 Comments
I would certainly characterize the last year as learning to live more gently.
I mean, we just came out of a phase where it was the in thing to rise and grind, never sleep so your dreams can become a reality, suffer now so you can shine later.
Which is all good - as far as a valiant, unwavering work ethic. However, a 24 hr work ethic and the elusive, effective productivity, do not necessarily go hand in hand. You must work in order to get things to happen, but if you are beating yourself over and not being conscious of all your physical and emotional needs of the you of today, then what's the point. You are just as valuable today as you are later when you are reaping all the seeds you've sewn. How not cool would it be if you've "reached your dreams" but are left with PTSD from all the things you've done to yourself.
So, this is what has been on my mind a lot. Learning to take care of myself along the journey. -Learning to be satisfied, or better, grateful with the things I do have today.
Being unsatisfied is poison.
To combat, here are some simple pleasures I've learned to find... satisfying.
- Making meals for myself - although it's probably 50% therapy and 50% labor, getting that creative energy out and leveling up your cooking skills is a neat way to avoid that anxious feeling at taco bell wondering what you are doing to your body and your checking account
- Listening to the morning and looking out the window when I get up earlier
- Pausing before responding - very few things need an immediate response...emails, condescending remarks, etc..
- Briefly becoming more in touch with the people that rub me the wrong way
- Drinking more iced green tea - a favorite part of the summer for sure
- Taking care of plants - it's amazing our similarities - one day without water and they start to shrivel up. Noticing helped me pin down one source of my discomforts during the day. Turns out I am not drinking enough water and it's catching up with me.
- No longer hesitating to buy things the things that make life easier - measuring cups, a better knife set, pest spray, goo-gone - sometimes saving money by not buying, will only equal frustration
- Embracing the things that make you happy as a child, even now - disclaimer, of course you should mature. But I'm seeing there are child like pleasures in us that still spark a light in us today - for me it's sailor moon, but it could be anything - a certain candy you really liked and like or destination. So much of our makeup as children is us at our genuine self. These days we've become inventions of what we want to be, but as youth, we are as we are
Hope to see more of you this year. I know I haven't been writing very much - can't even blame it on being busy. Hard to admit, but have not been feeling like the motivated, inspired self I once was. That was after all how this came into being. I have a few theories why this is, all of which we can divulge into later. Most of all I am glad to be going forward, seeing progress. Also, sad to see time passing increasingly faster, but pausing when I can, to hopefully realize how special each millimoment is. And how special being awake is.
"How to Dream Again"
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11:18 PM Michael Etienne Edwards 0 Comments
"Right now, can you make an unconditional relationship with yourself?
---Just at the height you are, the weight you are, with the intelligence that you have, and your current burden of pain.
Can you enter into an unconditional relationship with that?"
-Pema Codron (Taken from Huffington Post's interview with Tracee Ellis Ross)
1:42 PM Michael Etienne Edwards 0 Comments
Another idea I've been keeping to mind is becoming okay with not being the best / immaculate at things that you do. For example, at work I check certain details over and over again, but all too often I get hard on myself when I still manage to leave something out. It's actually impossible to do everything right all the time, but we often make ourselves an exception to that rule. Plus-- a lot of practice goes a long way in looking out for errors. Be good to yourself. You will remember next time.
Also, I starting to become okay with realizing I'm not good at certain things and someone else is much better for the job. This isn't to say striving for the best is over rated. It's just to say striving for the best shouldn't glorify feeling miserable. There are plenty of things that are worth your hardship and lend positively to your sense of self.
2:17 PM Michael Etienne Edwards 0 Comments
I've been thinking a lot about this quote lately:
11:37 PM Michael Etienne Edwards 0 Comments
"You cannot just exist in this life. You have got to try to live. If you are waking up thinking there's got to be more to your life than there is, man, believe that there is"
10:00 PM Michael Etienne Edwards 0 Comments
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Obessesions - Barcelona
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