affirm





I look way too hard to be validated by others, when all the validation I need should be done by me.

Perfect for right now

It's the end of a trip. I come through the door, turn on the soft yellow kitchen light. The cupboards are dark, sleek, modern. Put down my keys on the granite and walk towards the living room. I can see the flickering lights of the city just across the water. And I feel calm. I think this is important. I feel calm standing there in the room. The roomba whirls across the hard floors. I take off my uniform on the way to the bathroom. The cool light of the mirror takes all the tiredness away. Magnifies my life - and makes the room feel so big. A sanctuary. I love a sanctuary. My little place in the world to restore. It feels so selfish to write that. An apartment filled with all the things I love - all the things that have given me energy and comfort in my adult life. Why do things have that effect on us? And why do we always want more things. But this night I feel content. I feel enough. I feel like I have enough. I feel blessed. Is it wrong to imagine these things. To want things? I'm not especially hungry tonight. But there are some photos. So I take them to the couch, me in that big space. Tuck my feet underneath me view these printed relics one by one and remember. My friends, my acquaintances, they are all a triumph. In a world where we can't really operate alone. They give me life. In this night I think of good things, so many good things. And I feel okay. And I believe that is important.

Scholastic

One fun thing about New York city is that you will never find a library empty. It is always FILLED. Why is it so filled do I wonder? What is everyone studying for, advancing to? Are these college students? I guess it would be good to get out of the confines of a school building. But I absolutely find this so fascinating. A room filled with people STRIVING. For what? A better life? :)

Make Space

A long time ago I remember reading an article, a blog, a note, something like that, about when you are expecting or wanting something, begin to make space for it in your life.
And so step one, may I begin to make space. May I begin to allow it, believe in it.

How to have a Better Conversation



1. Don’t multitask
2. Don’t pontificate: Enter every conversation assuming you have something to learn; everyone you will ever meet will know something you don’t; Everyone is an expert at something
3. Use open ended questions: How was that for you?
4. Go with the flow - thoughts will come, let them go out
5. If you don’t know, say that you don’t know
6. Don’t equate your experience with theirs; all experiences are individual
7. Try not to repeat yourself
8. Stay out of the weeds - people don’t care about the years/names/dates
9. Listen with the intent to understand
10. Be brief and be prepared to be amazed

Go Beyond

Set high standards for yourself
Always look to improve how you are now / what is already set
Go beyond what is expected of you
Model high integrity (High integrity is "beyond" behavior)

STAY CURIOUS, COURAGEOUS, AND DECISIVE

.

There are chapters in our life. -And with every chapter comes new and unique challenges.

There was trying to break into fashion. Avidly pondering new ways to have an innovative portfolio and resume combo. How to make a website more engaging and for companies to want to know more. Going to events and dressing up with friends. But it was challenging, and sometimes I would get down. Head into New York in the dawn and wait on a park bench until it would get light enough outside that I could head to the interview location.

And there was trying to leave fashion - but really to find a new sense of purpose. To find something that I felt made me feel excited, valued, and in a way important - needed, that may be a better word. Fashion was and is fun. But I ended up sitting on similar park benches as before and just crying, bogged down with stress.

And now while that stress is gone. There are so many new and different stresses. I do believe in a such thing as positive stress. Or stress that motivates, "inspires" you to move, be creative, and solve problems. But it's the stress that is not pretty that's hard to deal with. And as we get older comes more. More responsibility to other people, the government, our creditors. And I feel fake, because alot of the time I don't know what to do. I really wish someone could help me. Maybe you feel like that too sometimes.

How do you balance pride and self-love. I think self-love is the antidote to so many problems, but I think pride, ego is the source of so many. Thinking I deserve the best. But doesn't self love teach you that you do? I don't know, I just need help.

You're all grown up now, Miguel.

Photo Therapy


Comida

Trying to: feed myself good things and good thoughts. By: listening to music, watching awesome youtube videos, working out when I don't feel like it, surrounding myself with wonderful people, worrying less

Tulum



I am just getting back from one of the most unexpected and beautiful trips of my life. And somehow - right now - i am feeling incredibly emotional. I kind of want to say sad, but not quite with such a bad connotation. perhaps...melancholy. emotional about... my past and my friends and people I know/ used to know. Is that what travel does? A reorganization of our mind? An update? Like everything is still there, but there is a new download of all these new things and sends these shock waves of connections to all of your past life experiences. I don't know. But I think this - writing - is helping. Literally came home and started vegging. Should I do laundry? Oh look the laundromat is closing. should I get groceries? I could swing that to my layover tomorrow. Proceeds to use all the strength in me to hand wash two work shirts to take on a work trip with me. Soak, let it soak, that will make it look better :) I'm happy, but I'm also sad.

This whole trip, I kept mentioning how I am physically trying to process all that I am seeing and all that I am doing. The cenotes - magic. The lagoon - no words. The beaches - never felt so relaxed. I love mexico, really. And it's like this weird feeling that more good things will come. bad things will come too. but good things come! I'm sad right now, I really am. it's the right word. I even just went through some of my treasures in my closet. Read them. Observed the handwriting. and realized that that's all gone. Today is good. I have so many special people in my life. and there's no need to rush, "going forward". Tomorrow is bring and teach us new things. Spank us, spoil us. Level us up. Nevertheless, here i am, wishing for the best.

Lovely

Really they are all just figments of my imagination. All of them really. I don't know them, I don't own them. Nor should I want to? Are they dreams, or are they more quasi-realities, because they are definitely not realities. Am I in my own way to the real thing. Or is there no real thing. Surely there is. A boy can dream. What am I even saying... All my beautiful dreams, I hope you remain beautiful. And maybe, just maybe, I can wake up to one of you.

Rest-or

Every now and then, you wake up from one of those super restorative naps - where your legs are kinda wet from sweat, your nose is a lot less stuffed, your head is light, cheeks soft and taught, and your feeling: okay. Not rushed, not "looking forward to the future". But okay-in-this-moment. Restorative I tell you. Kinda like I was trudging through and didn't even know it.
A warm - scratch that - hot bath, with green tea, and pink salt is on the agenda. Again, restorative. *sips on seltzer*
*thinks about a manuka honey mask*
*slips into blogspot solace*
How are you Michael? I am okay! Sure in this moment I am okay. But, truly I am all around okay. Sure there's lots of times where I think I could be better, if I had this, this, and this. But you're okay without those things too. You're enough just the way your are sweetheart.
xo Little old me.



Letterman

"And it's very simple... there is only one requirement for any of us, and that is to be courageous, because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And I believe, because I've done a little of this myself, pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing."


Not thinking really just makes way to mental gymnastics.

Cancer

Cancer is described as emotional - which for a bit I've had struggles trying to come to terms with. But lately I think it's true. They are just all inside, and are kept inside and reasoned with. And sometimes when they are un-reasonable, they spiral, something comes out, and who knows what happens. Emotions are lovely but I can't help but think they are scary too.

What do you want most?

"What are the things you want to happen the most to you?"

As childish and cliche as it sounds...I would like to be happy. To be grounded, self aware, and happy. I think satisfied goes in there but are we ever satisfied. Is there a chance for gratitude that makes us feel as though we are with what we have and in turn in a state of happiness.

I would like to continue to travel and explore. Traveling and exploring broadens the way I think about the world and how I see myself.

And right now, I can't believe I'm saying this, usually I would think it's tacky... but I want love. I want to find someone who constantly wants to learn, grow, and become the best version of themselves. -And genuinely wants the same for me.

And lastly, I want all the people I care about in my life to also be self realized, happy, and pursuing/receiving all the things they want.

I remember having so many goals at all times when I was younger, and while it's nice and freeing and very important to go with the flow, it's nice to have a few lighthouses reminding you want you want, where you are going, and a little feeling when you are not going in the right direction.

wishing you all the best always. Endeavor well. Be well.

Michael