.

There are chapters in our life. -And with every chapter comes new and unique challenges.

There was trying to break into fashion. Avidly pondering new ways to have an innovative portfolio and resume combo. How to make a website more engaging and for companies to want to know more. Going to events and dressing up with friends. But it was challenging, and sometimes I would get down. Head into New York in the dawn and wait on a park bench until it would get light enough outside that I could head to the interview location.

And there was trying to leave fashion - but really to find a new sense of purpose. To find something that I felt made me feel excited, valued, and in a way important - needed, that may be a better word. Fashion was and is fun. But I ended up sitting on similar park benches as before and just crying, bogged down with stress.

And now while that stress is gone. There are so many new and different stresses. I do believe in a such thing as positive stress. Or stress that motivates, "inspires" you to move, be creative, and solve problems. But it's the stress that is not pretty that's hard to deal with. And as we get older comes more. More responsibility to other people, the government, our creditors. And I feel fake, because alot of the time I don't know what to do. I really wish someone could help me. Maybe you feel like that too sometimes.

How do you balance pride and self-love. I think self-love is the antidote to so many problems, but I think pride, ego is the source of so many. Thinking I deserve the best. But doesn't self love teach you that you do? I don't know, I just need help.

You're all grown up now, Miguel.

Photo Therapy


Comida

Trying to: feed myself good things and good thoughts. By: listening to music, watching awesome youtube videos, working out when I don't feel like it, surrounding myself with wonderful people, worrying less

Tulum



I am just getting back from one of the most unexpected and beautiful trips of my life. And somehow - right now - i am feeling incredibly emotional. I kind of want to say sad, but not quite with such a bad connotation. perhaps...melancholy. emotional about... my past and my friends and people I know/ used to know. Is that what travel does? A reorganization of our mind? An update? Like everything is still there, but there is a new download of all these new things and sends these shock waves of connections to all of your past life experiences. I don't know. But I think this - writing - is helping. Literally came home and started vegging. Should I do laundry? Oh look the laundromat is closing. should I get groceries? I could swing that to my layover tomorrow. Proceeds to use all the strength in me to hand wash two work shirts to take on a work trip with me. Soak, let it soak, that will make it look better :) I'm happy, but I'm also sad.

This whole trip, I kept mentioning how I am physically trying to process all that I am seeing and all that I am doing. The cenotes - magic. The lagoon - no words. The beaches - never felt so relaxed. I love mexico, really. And it's like this weird feeling that more good things will come. bad things will come too. but good things come! I'm sad right now, I really am. it's the right word. I even just went through some of my treasures in my closet. Read them. Observed the handwriting. and realized that that's all gone. Today is good. I have so many special people in my life. and there's no need to rush, "going forward". Tomorrow is bring and teach us new things. Spank us, spoil us. Level us up. Nevertheless, here i am, wishing for the best.

Lovely

Really they are all just figments of my imagination. All of them really. I don't know them, I don't own them. Nor should I want to? Are they dreams, or are they more quasi-realities, because they are definitely not realities. Am I in my own way to the real thing. Or is there no real thing. Surely there is. A boy can dream. What am I even saying... All my beautiful dreams, I hope you remain beautiful. And maybe, just maybe, I can wake up to one of you.

Rest-or

Every now and then, you wake up from one of those super restorative naps - where your legs are kinda wet from sweat, your nose is a lot less stuffed, your head is light, cheeks soft and taught, and your feeling: okay. Not rushed, not "looking forward to the future". But okay-in-this-moment. Restorative I tell you. Kinda like I was trudging through and didn't even know it.
A warm - scratch that - hot bath, with green tea, and pink salt is on the agenda. Again, restorative. *sips on seltzer*
*thinks about a manuka honey mask*
*slips into blogspot solace*
How are you Michael? I am okay! Sure in this moment I am okay. But, truly I am all around okay. Sure there's lots of times where I think I could be better, if I had this, this, and this. But you're okay without those things too. You're enough just the way your are sweetheart.
xo Little old me.



Letterman

"And it's very simple... there is only one requirement for any of us, and that is to be courageous, because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And I believe, because I've done a little of this myself, pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing."


Not thinking really just makes way to mental gymnastics.

Cancer

Cancer is described as emotional - which for a bit I've had struggles trying to come to terms with. But lately I think it's true. They are just all inside, and are kept inside and reasoned with. And sometimes when they are un-reasonable, they spiral, something comes out, and who knows what happens. Emotions are lovely but I can't help but think they are scary too.

What do you want most?

"What are the things you want to happen the most to you?"

As childish and cliche as it sounds...I would like to be happy. To be grounded, self aware, and happy. I think satisfied goes in there but are we ever satisfied. Is there a chance for gratitude that makes us feel as though we are with what we have and in turn in a state of happiness.

I would like to continue to travel and explore. Traveling and exploring broadens the way I think about the world and how I see myself.

And right now, I can't believe I'm saying this, usually I would think it's tacky... but I want love. I want to find someone who constantly wants to learn, grow, and become the best version of themselves. -And genuinely wants the same for me.

And lastly, I want all the people I care about in my life to also be self realized, happy, and pursuing/receiving all the things they want.

I remember having so many goals at all times when I was younger, and while it's nice and freeing and very important to go with the flow, it's nice to have a few lighthouses reminding you want you want, where you are going, and a little feeling when you are not going in the right direction.

wishing you all the best always. Endeavor well. Be well.

Michael

Fidelica

Do you ever have a dream - nightmare - that's not featuring a monster, destruction, nor physical pain and yet...rocks your nervous system? And then you look at what it was, and you're like..."Am I really afraid of that...happening?"

Next note, I think being afraid...fear, is really our biggest monster. Let's go forward, let's go into the stars, the fear cannot keep up. 

Freedom of Speech

Next thought: Isn't it so funny when you meet someone from another country, and you instantly start to think, I NEED to go there. WHAT a great voice you have.

Ridiculous

"I think everyone must walk into your life for some reason, right Sandy?"
.
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"That's right, Tolbert." 



Top Tags

A few things I'm really into this month, that I wasn't as into last month. #shrugemoji #wherehaveibeen

1. Lightroom
Oh my gosh, my eyes have been opened. But there is so much to learn about. I spend hours watching YouTube tutorials so I could at least get somewhat accustomed. I think it really is the secret to your Instagrams visual theme.

2. Soil
I couldn't believe when I was standing in home depot and paying $30 for 3 different types of soil so my babies could be nurtured. My alocasia plant started browning out of no where, so after some research (YouTube) I discovered that it really must sit in half potting mix, half cactus mix. And when I was finally transpotting it, the soil it was in was basically dust. No wonder she was dying! Poor thing. We are recuperating. Sometimes she stays in the bedroom with me.

3. Spic-n-Span antibacterial cleaner.
What's better than spraying the bac off all of your surfaces. And its mild enough that I don't have any breathing reactions.

4. Microsoft Office Trial.
I must remember to unsubscribe! But I had to give in and download.

5. So many youtubers but most especially Tyler Stalman and Peter McKinnon.



Cranial

I'm studying. And while there's something good about #neverstoplearning, I can't help but feel so nervous! It of course must be a little unnerving when something so delicate could be in between you and your life changing again. - hopefully for the better!
But I have to remind myself to calm down - that I am being proactive - and hey, i do actually like my life as it is...but also I'm not the type to back down from a challenge. Let's do this!!

the hardest thing

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